Y’all know what time it is – the decorations are starting to come out, you can practically smell the pumpkin spice lattes, and there’s NFL games every Sunday. Agh, spooky season… what a time of year. In honor of Halloween (yes, we’re celebrating all month long), we’ll be matching NFL players with their Halloween monster superlatives. Let me be clear – there is ZERO disrespect or shade thrown at these players, I could never suit up on Sundays; this is all for good fun.
NFL Version of a Zombie
Quite possibly one of the most quintessential halloween costumes, Frankenstein is an age-old legend about someone who died, then came back to life. Saquon Barkley was rumored and assumed to be on the trading block just this past offseason. And yet, just when many thought his career was over, Saquon has truly come back to life. It appears that he’s now starting to meet the expectations he set for himself back in his first two seasons. And just like a zombie, the only way to “kill” him, is by dismembering his body. AKA – the all-to-familiar injury bug to Saquon…
NFL Version of Dracula
The classic vampire is centuries old, and yet he appears young. And I think we all know how he does that – by sucking the youthful energy out of his “prey”. Sound like someone familiar? Yep, Tom Brady. No, of course I’m not saying Tom Brady is biting any necks – but he sure does have a knack for sucking the life out of Defenses, though… Draculas are also known to be able to control nocturnal animals, and have hypnotic powers – that’s some pretty weird stuff. Could be why Giselle is dumping him. Just a shot in the… dark.
NFL Version of a Werewolf
First things first, if Ezekiel Elliot had longer hair, he might actually look like a werewolf. Secondly, say what you want, but at the end of the day – Zeke is a beast. However, the last and most important comparison here is that just as werewolves come out during full moons – Zeke seems to also only become a beast every once in a while. Stating the obvious, but werewolves also have super-strength; which, I don’t know about y’all – but I definitely wouldn’t want to pick a fight with Zeke. He’s had a solid start to 2022, for sure – but to put it bluntly, the consistency has NOT been there.
NFL Version of a Mummy
Before mummies were mummies, they were alive and well. And then, boom – dead. Sounds a lot like Christian McCaffery, to me. You can blame the injury bug. You can blame Matt Rhule. You can blame a lot of different factors, but the fact of the matter is – barring a miracle of the rest of the season, the once-amazing career of Christian McCaffery appears by all means to be “dead”. That is, for as long as he’s in Carolina, at least. I’m rooting for the guy, I really am – but I do think he’d fit the part all embalmed up. Until he either figures things out with the O-line, comes back to full health, or is traded – CMC is effectively all wrapped up; just like he typically is on Sundays these days.
NFL Version of the Grim Reaper
The grim reaper is known as the “monster” who kills any and everyone they cross paths with. So, for this monster, it’s only fitting for someone who goes out there and straight takes bodies. Someone who is so damn dominant, that opposing teams are dead on sight. Look no further than Patrick Mahomes – the NFL’s grim reaper who wins damn near every game he plays. It’s hard to believe that he’s only won one Super Bowl, when he otherwise appears to be, well, slaying. But, while he might “only” have one ring – a .788 winning percentage says it all… Sure, it’s only been 68 games – but he’s definitely caught his fair share of bodies throughout those 68 games.
NFL Version of a Troll
You probably thought I’d go with the millennial definition of a troll, huh? Nope! We’re going literal, baby! And not only is Trent Williams HUGE – but when he’s healthy, he just will not let people pass through him. There’s no doubt the man is a beast, but he’s also just as scary too. These beasts also have a myth of turning to stone when they see the sunlight. Okay, obviously we’ve seen Trent Williams play day games before; but when it comes to injuries – he might as well be made of limestone. Lastly, Trolls are known as “extremely old, slow, and dim-witted”. Listen, Trent, I wouldn’t dare call you dim-witted, but you are getting a bit up there (in terms of NFL age) and have definitely lost a bit of the horsepower since your college days at Oklahoma.
NFL Version of a Clown
If we were going for the millennial version of a troll, this would easily go to AB. To be fair, he’s retired – and if he truly is suffering from a mental disorder; I wish him all the best. But, I can’t help but give the crown of the NFL Clown to Antonio Brown. Part of me loves the guy – the confidence, the swagger, the brashness; but there’s a line for all of these traits, and AB crossed that line ever since he lift Pittsburgh (maybe before), and he never looked back. And to be fair, I’m strictly referring to his days with the Raiders, Patriots, and Bucs here – the outlandish behavior, followed by release after release. You know when you can’t get your act together for Bill Bellichick – there’s something wrong. And now, with the drunken ad placements, the music career, he’s just making a fool of himself.
NFL Version of a Ghost
Okay, so this one does have a bit of a double-entendre – the classic, and new-age meaning of a ghost. Allen Robinson gets this nod because of the way he’s absolutely ghosted Rams fans. Not only that, but he seems to be invisible out there on Sundays. Just like when you grow up and realize that ghosts most likely aren’t real (at least the spooky halloween ones) – Allen Robinson fits the bill. He also used to be scary during his Jags and early Bears days, until we seemed to have found out he’s not (for) real this year. He had a chance to go play with a potential HOF quarterback, one year removed from a Super Bowl title. How has it gone so far?… exactly. Now, of course, there’s a double-entendre here the way he’s “ghosted” the Rams.
NFL Version of Freddy Krueger
Micah Parsons He takes home the Nightmare on Elm Street character since, well… QB’s have nightmares about him. Not only that, but just like Mr. Krueger, Micah Parsons does NOT seem to go away. The damn scary linebacker just won’t “die” – kind of like the motor on this young, athletic beast. Not to mention the regenerative abilities – which, Micah Parsons also seems to have a bit of as well, as he seems to recover from injuries instantaneously. To cap it all off, it’s Freddy Krueger’s telekinesis that takes the cake; as you can almost guarantee Micah Parsons is in the heads of each and every Offensive Lineman he lines up against. Micah Parsons may not be able to literally transform like Freddy Krueger can – but he sure can athletically contort his body in all types of ways when he’s getting around edge like not many others can.